Kyle x Cartman
by heartattackkkkk
Summary: The Asian girls in school are drawing dreamy pictures of Kyle and Cartman. Meanwhile, Cartman stays at the Broflovski's house because his mother has died and now he is as poor as his friend, Kenny.
1. Chapter 1

_Cartman POV_

There he is. The kid I have hated all these friggin' years! The kid that calls me fat every day. And now…now I'm walking up to him because I need his advice and a place to stay because my mom just died. And now I have no one. Clyde Frog has been gone for a while now. Mr. Kitty ran away. So why am I walking up to Kyle for help? I was just crying, too, because it is— _was_ —my mother, dammit! Oh, fuck! I miss her! I miss her condescending words and how she would call me pooky and feed me meals even though I didn't treat her well half of the time because of who I am as a person. Kyle, though, would say I'm a sociopath. Except my therapist told me not to call myself that, and I wondered why when Kyle was the one who called me that and I just learned to accept after all these years that I am.

When he sees me, I say, "Kyle, can I talk to you for a minute?" and I try to keep my voice calm even though I was just crying minutes ago.

I know he can tell I was, too, which is _humiliating_. Absolutely humiliating! And I will not be humiliated! I am the coolest kid in this town, even though in my head I don't think that, and I know Kyle definitely doesn't think I'm cool.

"Uh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, I guess." Kyle looks like I have a plan, though, so he asks, "Why do you want to talk to me? You _hate_ me. Remember?"

 _Yes. Yes, I know I hate you, Kyle. I think in my head. Thank you for reminding me. I need your help, though, you fucking asshole!_ I don't let him hear those words, though.

So instead I say, "You're…you're just really good at advice and stuff."

Does he think I'm up to something? Probably. He looks like he is wondering _what_ I'm up to, exactly. _Kyle, I don't even know! I'm just hurt, alright? And I could use your…advice._ So those words rung true when I said them, yeah. He still doesn't look convinced, though. And I don't blame him after all these years.

"You? Why would _you_ need advice? You tell everyone you're the smartest kid in this school, so why—"

"Kyle. I just really need some advice right now. Okay? Yes, I know I'm the smartest kid in this skewl, but that doesn't matter right now."

" _School_." Kyle corrects me.

What is he correcting, though? He sounds like he's trying to correct me, but I am confused.

"What?" I look at him, confused on why he is repeating a word I just said.

He looks frustrated and just says, "Uh—n—never—mind."

"So can you give me some advice, Kyle?"

"Uh. I—I mean, I guess."

"My mom just died."

"Oh."

"Gee, Kyle. Thanks for all the fucking support."

"Well, it's you. N—nevermind. I—I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. You—you're just always—"

"Yeah. Yeah. I know, Kyle. I just didn't know who to go to, you know? Especially since no one in this skewl likes me that much."

"I thought you said everyone thinks you're awesome and cool."

"Yeah. I _say_ that," I tell him, "but I know the truth."

Because I do. And for once I'm not tricking him.

I actually _do_ need Kyle's help.

 _Kyle POV_

Stan walks up to me during the school break and asks, "Why were you talking to Cartman?"

"His mom just died."

Stan let out a big, "Ooooooooh."

"Yeah. And…and then…and then he needed some advice."

Stan looks surprised. "Cartman asked _you_ for advice?"

"I know. Weird, right?" I say.

"Yeah. Why did you give it to him? He's always a dick to you. And me. Just 'cause I like animals doesn't mean I'm a hippie. Isn't he sort of a hippie since he's, like, homeless now?"

"I mean. He _did_ look pretty beat up. So do you think I should help him?" I ask Stan curiously.

"Dude. I don't know. What if he's setting you up?"

"Dude. You think he'd do that just after his mom died? Use something like that just to get to _me_?"

"Uh. Yeah. It is Cartman." Stan reminds me flatly. "I wouldn't trust him, dude. Besides, would your mom even let Cartman sleepover at your house for a few nights until he sorts stuff out?"

"As long as he doesn't call my mom a bitch." My teeth grit angrily at the thought. "I think she'd be cool with it. He looked really beat up when he came to me, dude."

And all Stan says to that is, "Don't say I didn't warn you."

 _Cartman POV_

"Okay. Hey—hey, Cartman! Wait up!"

School is almost over. Kyle is calling over to me.

"Oh. Hey, Kyle. What's going down, Jew-Boy? Heh."

"Were—were you _crying_?" he asks me out of curiosity. And I'm not sure why. Especially when he's seen me cry before. I know I don't cry that often, but I don't know why he cares! Or _if_ he cares! Maybe he's just curious if me—Eric Cartman—was crying! Hah!

"No. I just had something in my eye," I lie lamely, "that's all! I don't cry because I'm cool."

Then Kyle suddenly says, "I—I know you're cool, Cartman."

The _fuck_? The fuck did I just hear?!

"Y—you do?"

Holy crap! What did I just hear from Broflovski's mouth?! D—did Kyle just say I was cool? Like, did I hear those words just come out of his mouth? I swipe my eye with my hand so I wouldn't look like I was just crying because of my mom, even though I know Kyle has seen me crying before, but it was totally lame to cry in school like I was doing. And I definitely did _not_ want Wendy to see me in the shape I am right now or any of the other kids. That would be totally humiliating.

"I mean. Cool people can cry, is what I mean," Kyle says so he doesn't sound like he is being _too_ friendly towards me, is what I'm guessing. "Stan came up to me and told me that this was all just a plot against _me_."

Oh. Of course that's what Kyle had been thinking! That I would trick him! God fucking dammit! Just…just god dammit! I can't believe it! I'm crying and he doesn't believe me. Of course he doesn't! I mean, I cried the last time Kenny died and he saw me! And I tricked him! Is this why he is looking at me like I might make a plot against him if I stay at his house because I have nowhere to go? Oh, man! Oh, man! I just know that if I ask anyone else in this skewl that they won't let me because they think I'm a giant fucking dick. And so does Kyle. Which I don't understand at all.

Then I'm blurting out, "Why? I'm homeless! A hippie! I've got nothing! And my mom's dead. Mr. Kitty ran away, too! And my stuffed animals are murdered from before so, what have I got, really? I'm seriously. What have I fucking _got_?"

And it's all out of honesty. I swear it!

Then Kyle is saying, "Hey. Hey, Cartman." He's trying to console me because he's got such a good heart. He's done it before, and he's doing it again for some reason. He says, "You can stay with me tonight if you want."

My eyes widen after I heard him say that. "You're—you're _seriously_?"

"Yeah. I'm seriously. Just…just don't call my mom a bitch or do anything bad. Okay? I mean. I know your mom just died and all, but if you do anything against me—"

"You don't have to worry about that, Kyle. I've got my backpack and there's not much I can hurt you with."

 _Kyle POV_

I don't know if I should believe him, but he looks pretty beaten up. And he was _just_ crying. I…I know he didn't give a damn when I was crying and in the hospital, but my mom didn't just _die_. So I figure I'll help him out, because I am just that kind of person, and I hope he doesn't know that and he's just taking advantatge of me, which he probably is. But I have kicked his ass before, and I'm willing to do it if he is plotting something even if he'd have to live in a cardboard box without my help. He really isn't good at the money stuff since he's only smart when it comes to deceit.

"Okay. But if you call my mom a bitch just one time, then I swear—"

"Yeah. Yeah, I know, Kyle. You'll kick my ass." Cartman smiles at me.

All that's going through my head is, _Why is that fat fuck suddenly smiling at me?_ Because it, honestly, looks really freaking smiling. At _me_.

"Oh. I—I'm sorry. Kyle. I'm just really happy I won't be a hippie for the night."

"It's cool, Cartman. You can ride the bus with me."

"Alright. Cool." He smiles at me.

I smile back. And…and we're smiling at each other! So I let my smile go, and then just look at him impassively. He's still smiling. All he has is his backpack, and he still looks sort of beaten down even though he's smiling because he won't be a hippie for the night, as he said to me.

I think this is going to turn out bad.


	2. Chapter 2

_Cartman POV_

The most _humiliating_ part about the whole thing is that Kyle knew I was crying when I walked up to him. It wasn't when I had asked him for help. Yeah, it wasn't that many times I would ask Kyle for help, but that wasn't what was humiliating. It was that he knew I was crying! He didn't call me a pussy, though, because he knew there was something going on with me. He knew I wasn't acting my usual self – totally awesome and cool. I mean, I _was_ totally awesome and cool all the time, but I was a little more out of it than usual.

The thing about Kyle is… is he'll help anyone. He'll help anyone if he sees that they are hurt. And this time I wasn't tricking him when I was hurt, because I actually was – _am_ hurt. Of course I'm hurt. My mom's fucking dead! And I was crying in the bathroom hours ago! I told him I just got something in my eyes, but he knew that wasn't the truth. Which is why I'm in his house right now. Sleeping over.

I rode the bus with him. I was…quiet the way there. And it was weird. I'm never quiet. Kyle probably liked it, though, since I wasn't ripping on him like I usually did. There wasn't much I have in my backpack. Just some clothes and stuff. Clyde Frog had been murdered, after all, which I always thought about. And now my whole family wasn't here! Because I murdered my fucking dad!

Okay. I did sort of care that he was ginger, and get mad when I found out that _I_ was half-ginger, but…but that wasn't all! I would of liked to have known what a dad would have been like, and if he would've been better than my mom, and not a total lush like she was.

"Uh, ma?" Kyle calls out when we're inside.

"Yes, booby?" I hear her call back and then she notices me there. "Oh. Hello, Eric." She says in a sweet, honey dripped voice. Like usual.

 _Eck_. It's disgusting.

But I don't say anything. I just look at her for a moment to let Kyle do the talking. I don't want to say anything wrong, after all.

She is a pudgy woman. Plump is more of the right word. Totally not buff like I am when I saw her when Kyle opened the door. She sees me, too, but I make no comment towards her. Kyle told me not to, after all, and I'm not going to bitch at her because I would be homeless, a hippie! I'd be one of them if I did, and I can't do that.

Besides. Kyle is my friend. Sort of.

"Cartman is homeless now." Is all Kyle says.

He doesn't say why, which is probably for the best since I would've started crying. And I don't want to cry in front of them. That's what fags do. And I am not a homosexual!

Even though I have nothing wrong with gays. I mean, Tweek and Craig were soooooo cute! Kyle probably thought so, too, because I don't think he's not against homosexuals either.

That's just wrong, man. Love is cool.

"Alright, fine, Kyle. It's alright if he sleeps over for the night." She says.

"Alright. Thanks, ma. Come on, Cartman. You can sleep in my room. I'll get you a sleeping bag."

"Alright. Sweet. Also, you're totally not a bitch, by the way. Ma'am."

"Oh. Why, thank you, Eric." She looks like she is saying it out of forced habit.

I watch Kyle put a hand up to his forehead as if I shouldn't of said that. I'll watch my mouth next time.

I might forget to, though. It's not my fault.

"I'm sorry, man. I didn't call her a bitch." I say to Kyle.

"I know you didn't, Cartman, but can you just please not swear at all in front of her?" He looks like he doesn't want to fight today when he asks me that.

"Oh. Alright. I mean, that's gonna be kind of hard, but alright."

"Okay. Follow me upstairs."

So then I do.


	3. Chapter 3

_Cartman POV_

I am in Kyle's bedroom. It's sort of… weird. Just us in his bedroom. Especially since it's usually all four of us. When Kenny's dead, though, it's just all three of us. Sometimes I wonder why I'm the only one who knows that Kenny dies all the time. They're just dumbasses. And Stan's the one who called me dumb and stupid and that I'm so stupid it's unbelievable! Well, fuck him!

At least I didn't join the Goth's because my girlfriend broke up with me. Why did we even let Stan come back to us? He betrayed us! That asshole. Anyway. I'm supposed to be thinking about Kyle right now. I mean, I don't want to be thinking about Kyle, but he's here so it's sort of hard not to.

That's the only thing that's hard for me to do. Not think about Kyle. Otherwise I am the smartest kid at school so nothing is hard for me—ever, really. Because I am just that awesome and cool. I really don't understand why Kyle is so mean to me all the time.

He is on his desktop laptop in his room while I am sprawled out on his bed binging on bags of chips. He looks like he is working on something.

So I ask, "Why do you look so stressed, Kyle? Relax. Have a dorito."

Yes. Right now I am sprawled out on Kyle's bed, my phone pulled out as I am looking at memes. Most of them are actually pretty funny, but we all know that the people that usually make them are lonely old men. I have made some before, but I am not a lonely old man. I'm just successful and cool without having to wear a business suit to be successful and cool.

How do I have a phone? Wasn't my stuff broken after they thought I was Skank Hunt? Well, after my mom died, I took her phone. Because she never made a password or anything since she gets too lush and would forget it. I took it out of memory, okay, but then I decided just to use it since my stuff got broken and she wouldn't take me to get new stuff since she said I am spoiled before she died. That was a while ago, but I always remember what my mom says to me because she is usually saying that kids do not need that but she didn't need to be hoeing around, either! Yet she did it anyway.

Since I have my stuff, I broke up with Heidi. I realized we had nothing in common besides that we both had no connection and that was why we would hang around each other and stuff since everyone was looking at memes like I am doing right now. So, yeah. I broke up with my girlfriend. I did like making Wendy jealous that I had kissed her in front of her and called her my boo, but Heidi isn't my boo anymore.

She's just not. And my mom's dead, too. But I've still got Mr. Kitty…

And the dudes. And Kyle, I guess. Even though I hate him. And I also have my phone back. Yes, I know it was my mom's, but if she had made a will then I'm sure she would've given me her phone since she didn't have that many friends anyways and most of her friends were the chicks or dudes she would meet at the bar.

I think she would've liked Cupid Me. I am not sure where he has gone, but I think he was mad at the fact that I didn't want to date him—mostly because I'm not gay—and so he flew away. A damn shame, really. We could've still been friends.

I did like him. Really. He was cool. Even though he was a homosexual, but homoseoxuals are cool. I'm just not a fag. And I didn't break up with Heidi because I realized it. I broke up with Heidi because I said I found nothing in common with her. And I was always staring out into space blankly when she was talking to me.

I'm not sure if I was even listening.

But I'm listening to Kyle. Then I listen to him after I had disassociated while I was still eating my bag of chips. What? I had hugged a lot into my arms and brought them into Kyle's room so I wouldn't have to go back for more. I like my bed—Kyle's bed, I guess. I like to eat. I like to shit. I like to look at my phone. Because memes are funny, and food is good, and I am sweet. Anyway.

Then Kyle bitches at me, "I'm still going to be stressed _after_ I have the dorito, Cartman. Are you looking at one of those memes again?"

Well. Okay, then. How can he still be stressed after eating? I just do not understand that at all, really. But I do not ask him.

I just snicker and say back, "Yeah. They're pretty funny, dude."

I am still looking at my phone and swiping through memes while he is looking over at me. I glance up at him, though, because he does have a pretty cool hat. Yes, I do hate Kyle, but I am allowed to say that he has a pretty cool hat.

"Shouldn't _you_ be, uh—I don't know, also working on your report?" Kyle asks me and he sounds irritated. Because of how smart he is.

I have even mentioned to Kyle that he is smart before. I am just a lazy ass. Okay. I am not a lazy ass with _everything_. Just homework.

"Why?" I ask dryly.

"Um, because it's due Monday?"

Then I am pissed off. I am not pissed off at Kyle. I am pissed off because I do not care about doing homework. Who cares about some stupid ass report that's due Monday? Not me. Besides, my mom just died, so Mr. Garrison should give me a little extra time because he will probably feel bad for me, too. Since my mom just died. And all I've got is Mr. Kitty. Mr. Kitty is probably with his cat friends on my couch at home, getting laid since my mom isn't there to stop him and neither am I. He's supposed to do that crap _outside_ , but I guess I'll just have to ground him when I see him again.

I can't stay at Kyle's house forever. That would be a _nightmare_. I'm seriously.

"Jesus Christ. You're boring as fuck, Kyle. Relax. Have a dorito."

"Will you _STOP_ saying that? Dude. I will kick you out if you don't let me work."

Why is he so mad? I've only said it, like, twice. It's a pretty cool thing to say. I feel like it will help a lot of people feel better if you tell them that.

 _Relax_. Have a dorito.

Yeah. It sounds cool. Kyle used to always laugh at memes with me. And the dudes. I don't know what's gotten to him. I told him a way he can relax is by having a dorito and giving himself a break, but he doesn't wanna. Why the fuck not?

Doritos are yummy. The only thing that isn't yummy is ranch dressing. It just proves that vegetables suck if you need a dip for them to blend out the real taste. I hope his mom won't be serving any of those for dinner. Then I really _WILL_ call her a bitch. Because that bitch gave me vegetables.

Man, I hate her so much. And I think she knows. Yet she feels bad for me so I am sleeping over. Would she have let me if she didn't feel bad for me?

I don't think so. Probably not.

I put on my innocent eyes when I am glaring up at him. "Nu-uh. You can't kick me out." My voice almost sounds like it's whining at him and it's gross. "My mom just died and I'm homeless so you have to feel bad for me." I pout anyway.

Kyle just slaps a hand to his forehead. "Oh no. Not _THIS_ crap again. Don't tell me I have to feel bad for you. I'm feeling bad for you because I'm _feeling_ bad for you."

I am about to reply to Kyle until I am looking back down at my phone again. Then I freak out. I am _STILL_ freaking out, actually! What am I seeing?! Seriously.

 _WHAT. THE. FUCK?!_

Then my thoughts come out of my mouth. "Dude. WHAT THE FUCK?! Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK?! The _fuck_? The fuck is _this_ crap?!"

Kyle is still looking over at me like nothing serious is actually going on since I just told him to relax and have a Dorito. Anyway. He seems calm because he can't see what I'm looking at.

"Dude. _Cartman_?"

All he says is my name. With Kyle, you can't count how many times he will say dude either. It's weird since he says dude so many times and is thought of as the smartest kid in school—even though I tell everybody I am. I do know it's Kyle. I just won't say it out loud.

Anyway. I just realized how many times I just said fuck so then he _DOES_ look at me seriously. His eyes look _seriously_. And I'm seriously. Seriously freaked out!

So I give him my phone after looking at the meme and he takes it.

" _Look_! The fuck is this, brah?! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!"

He has my phone now and is looking at what I just saw that almost made me crap my pants. Seriously. I'm freaked out shitless. I think Kyle will be, too, after he sees it. And he sees it right now.

Yes. He does look pretty freaked out. We are _both_ looking pretty freaked out. I am so happy we are not around Kyle's mom at this time.

And you know what he says after seeing it?

"Dude…"

Yep. I really wasn't surprised there.

I think I know why this is a meme. Ever since people thought it would be "cute" if Tweek and Craig were gay, they ended up holding hands at the end in school because they just got so fed up with everyone _thinking_ they were gay because of the Internet and because there was gay artwork and other gay stuff with them together.

Craig really did get pissed off, alright. I thought it was pretty cute, though. The thing with Tweek and Craig that went on.

But I can't believe what I had just seen! A meme! Of Kyle and us! And it's totally, totally fucking gay! As fuck! Like, seriously!

 _THE FUCK IS GOING ON HYAH?!_

I am so confused. Seriously. I do not know what the fuck is going on, and how this had happened! Wait…

Then I remember. Now I think I know why.

It was the time I had first met Cupid Me. Or the time Wendy had made that report on Yaoi. And it was on Tweek and Craig. Their noses twisted up when they saw it. Except other people saw it cute. No. They weren't disgusted by gay people at all. Because that's what dicks are—disgusted by gay people.

And I am not a dick! Anyway. Ever since we all learned about Yaoi, kids have been drawing more and more of it. It's usually Asian girls who draw them of boys together who they think would be "cute", but it's not just Asians. I don't think.

I am not sure who made this meme of Kyle and I, though, but I want to kick them in the NUTS! And it's not because I am a homosexual. No. I am not. But Kyle and I are NOT gay! Or everyone in the school would know. And what they know is that we hate each other. Besides, how many times every day have I told him that? Infinity!

"We aren't together. Why did the Asians make a meme out of us?!"

"Of course we aren't together, dipshit! It's 'cause they're fuckin' sick, that's why!"

That's all I can think of how to respond to him. I am not a homosexual, but I am not sure how else to reply. I never should have told Kyle that I loved him to get what I wanted. Seriously. Why did I DO that?! Usually we all—and the people around us—forget what we did or what has happened! And now there's THIS crap! All because I told Kyle I loved him on stage over the Megatron. Because Nichole and Token were supposed to be together! Not Kyle and Nichole! Because blacks belong together! And I wasn't gonna let him ruin it so I had to do SOMETHING.

And now there's a friggin' meme out of us?! I can't believe it! I hate Kyle!

Yes. I said blacks belong together, but that does not mean Kyle and I belong together, because we totally don't! We hate each other! I hate him. He hates me. So then he says that.

"Don't worry, dude. I hate you. Remember?" Kyle reminds me, but he doesn't have to, because I hate him every second, every day, and every week. "It'll probably blow off just like everything does, and there will be a new meme that everyone will be way more into than the one right now."

But it doesn't. It doesn't blow over.

And that's the problem.


	4. Chapter 4

It was no surprise that my mom would die, because she was a total lush. At first, I thought I was lucky to have a mom who was a total lush. That way, I could live the way I wanted, but she never understood why I lived the way I could. I mean, I saw her smoking crack in my dad's bedroom when I was only a kid!

And when I told the guys, they just looked at me and said, "Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?"

Because they always thought everything I was saying was made up. Well, what most of what I said was made up, but it really wasn't. And I told them that the only reason they never understood was because they weren't mature enough to understand, and that was mostly true...Mostly.

I knew what I said when I said things. Especially about when I told them about my mom smoking crack on some guy's bed that I didn't even know, because it pretty much happened every week, but now it wouldn't happen anymore because my mom is dead. Yeah. I knew my uncle said that smoking crack was bad, and now I know just how bad smoking crack must be since my mom died from a fatal cause. Which was probably from her smoking crack every week, and her vagina which I knew what was at the bottom of it since Heidi had showed me, and I just still can't believe that vaginas don't have balls. Yeah. I can't believe that girls didn't have balls.

"Cartman?"

"Sorry, Kyle. I was just thinking really hard."

Anyway. My mom always wondered why I always did such naughty things, and what I really wanted to ask her, but now will never have the chance to is, well, why did you do such naughty things?! I mean, she didn't have to tell me she was a hermaphrodite! Maybe if she told me who my dad was, then I wouldn't of grounded up his parents into chili and fed it to him! Maybe _that_ would've stopped me!

"Cartman? They said your mom's death was an accident, but do you know what could've happened for it to be without a cause?"

"Maybe her vagina was just really, really dried up, Kyle." I snicker.

And I don't know why I'm laughing and making a joke about my mom but it's me, so it never changes no matter the time or what's going on.

"That isn't funny, Cartman!"

"Yes it is. It's totally funny." I snicker.

"You fat son of a bitch! Your mom just died, and you're making jokes?!"

He's right. I thought the joke was totally funny. I thought maybe Kyle just wasn't listening because he was a Jew, and I know Kyle thinks my mom's death was an accident, but really, her vagina had just suddenly become shriveled up and totally worthless that guys didn't want her anymore, so she put a gun to her head, but I would never know what really happened.

"I mean, she was a total lush who didn't even tell me who my dad was, my dad who I made up into chili because I didn't know who he was."

"WHAT?! You can hate a kid all you want, but you don't grind their parents up into chili, you fat—!"

"Ms. Broflovski! Ms. Broflovski!" I suddenly call out.

"What?! Cartman, this doesn't mean you have to become an even _bigger_ monster—"

I ignore what Kyle says about me and call out for her again.

"Ms. Broflovski!"

Ms. Broflovski doesn't answer, so I leave Kyle's room and go downstairs. She is talking to someone on the phone, so when I walk into the living room, she immediately puts the phone away and gives her time to talk to me. I guess I am just that important.

"Oh. Hello, Eric. Would you like some tea?" she asks me.

"Yes, Ms. Broflovski. I would love some tea." I smile gingerly.

Though what I'm thinking is: _KYLE'S MOM IS A BIG, FAT, FUCKIN' BITCH!_

So Ms. Broflovski then goes over to make some tea for me and then Kyle comes down into the living room.

Kyle looks at me and says, angrily, "You think just because your mom is dead, you can make jokes all you want? That doesn't give you the right to say and do whatever you want, Cartman!"

"Here's your tea, Eric. Oh, hi, Kyle. Would you like some tea, too? I've just made your friend, Eric, Oolong tea."

"I'm _fine_ , Ma."

"I think it does." I then smile almost victoriously when Ms. Broflovski had brought me my tea. "Thanks so much for the tea, Ms. Broflovski."

"Oh. You're very welcome, Eric."

I sip at my tea and then Kyle leaves angrily. It sure looks like he could use some tea, so I don't know why he didn't accept it.

I don't even know why I was making jokes, honestly, but after Kyle walks back up angrily into his room, I sit at the table with Ms. Broflovski and we are drinking a nice cup of Oolong tea and having a nice chat, too. Then I remember about the yaoi thing, about how it could happen to any of us, and then I am suddenly afraid of going to school tomorrow.

It will blow over, right? I mean, that's all I want! For the yaoi thing to blow over! But ever since I saw that the Asian chicks had apparently drawn pictures of Kyle and I, I want to forget that I had ever seen us in a fictional relationship.

That's what I'll do! I'll just...forget about it! Yeah. That's what I will do. Even if I see the Asian chicks at school tomorrow drawing pictures, I will forget about it. I think Tweek and Craig's relationship was cute, but that doesn't mean Kyle and I are gay like we found out on the Internet, and I don't want anyone to think we are gay either!

Yes. I am going to have a talk with the Asian chicks tomorrow. I know my mom won't find out since she is dead, but maybe I have to start crashing with Kenny instead, because if I am crashing at Kyle's house, then I don't want anybody to know! And Kenny's my best friend, so there's definitely no drawings of us being gay.

Oh, fuck! Why does something like this have to happen?! Why can't we all just be guys hanging out, huh? Why does our hang outs have to be made into a fictional relationship? Seriously! I know now that ever since I saw Cupid Me that there is nothing wrong with two guys liking each other, but I hate Kyle with all my heart! I'm seriously!

Yes. I know now...tomorrow at school...that the Asian chicks are going to need a real talking to.


	5. Chapter 5

It is another day of school after the weekend I spent at Kyle's house, and still I wonder...

How can I suck it up this time? How can I try to have a positive attitude about it _this_ time? Now I'm as poor as Kenny! It's so embarrassing. Yet, when I'm at school, I know I'll just do the same thing that I always do, which is ripping on other people to make myself less embarrassed about the fact that I'm poor now. Besides, I don't want all the kids at school to think I'm _not_ cool, because I've always been the cool kid and the guys look up to me. So I have to not lose my cool until school is over.

So the thing with the Asians didn't bow over. Yes, I think Tweek and Craig are cute, but it's fucking sick that there's yaoi art of Kyle and I because I am definitely not homosexual.

"So, Cartman. I heard your house got burned down." Craig says.

I don't lose my cool when he asks me that. Well, at first I think I don't. Then...

"Yeah! Yeah, my house did get burned down, Craig! So fucking what?!" I scream at him, losing my cool. "You don't have to talk about it like it's suddenly all over the NEWS, asshole!"

Yeah, I lost my cool, but this is alright, because at least I'm ripping on Craig.

"Well, it's not on the news, but you know what's on the news?" Craig says in his monotone voice. "Or, at least, going on around school?"

"No?" I say.

"Lily, Frog, Kyle and Cartman."

"What? That's not going on around the school! The Asians drew you and Tweek in that picture, you gaywad!"

"Yeah. But now there's a picture of you and Kyle making out."

"Nu-uh!"

"Yeah-huh. Check it yourself. And yes, I am gay with Tweek. So what? Later, Cartman. The Asians are about to make us all gay."

Craig walks away.

"God, I hate Craig!"

"What's the matter, dude?" Kyle asks me.

He has just walked up to me.

"Kyle, I have to have a talk with the Asians now!"

"The Asians?"

"Yeah! They might have made Tweek and Craig gay but I am not gay!"

I am starting to lose my cool now. The Asians...can't make me...gay. It's just, I don't understand why all this yaoi stuff is suddenly just starting to become so popular. I thought it would stop with Tweek and Craig but looks like the Asians just keep drawing their yaoi art!

"Well, Stan did ask the question about if it could happen to any of us. So, who are you gay with Cartman?" Kyle asks.

"I showed you the picture last night! And apparently it's going around all of the school!"

Kyle looks mortified. "No."

"Oh, yeah! It's not just about _me_ being gay, but it's about you being gay, too, Kyle!"

"Grow up, Cartman. It'll blow over."

"That's what Tweek and Craig said."

Over the PA system, I then hear Principle Victoria speaking.

"Eric Cartman and Kyle Broflovski to the principal office."

"What?! _Me_?"

"It's alright, Kyle. I get into trouble loads of times."

"Yeah, it may be alright for you, but I don't want my mom to know about this!"

"It's probably just about that yaoi thing." I say. "You know, they'll probably just check in with us about the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay like they did with Tweek and Craig. And talk about how if there's a romantic relationship—"

"There's no romantic relationship with us, fatass! It's just the Asians drawing pictures."

"Yeah. And look what happened with Tweek and Craig! So that's why we just have to go into the principal's office, and just tell them that we aren't gay, okay? And like...if at some point you or I wanted to touch each other's penises—"

"Cartman!"

"Okay, okay, Kyle." I snicker. "I'm just, trying to have a positive attitude and suck it up no matter what 'cause my house burned down and now I'm poor like Kenny's family _AND_ the Asian's suddenly are making it look like we're gay! I know I'll need some tea when I'm home. Well, _home_."

I know I called my mom a bitch and a dirty slut but I do wish I could've been a better son do her!

"Okay. Let's just get this over with. And you can't use that as an excuse to make me feel bad for you."

So then we are each in a chair facing Principle Victoria who is going to ask us if we would like to ever touch each other's penises because of what the Asians made everyone think about us and I don't understand how it is decided, either, like Stan was confused about. I'm going to have to have a talk with him later. Maybe he can talk to his bitch girlfriend, Wendy, because she was the one who started that whole presentation at school about how yaoi art is "beautiful" and crap but it's really just sick!

I want this thing to blow over, because I don't want everyone to think I'm checking them out now because I'm gay! I'll just...I'll just kick their ass if they do anything that upsets me, that's all. I mean, I know there's nothing wrong with two guys liking each other, but Kyle and I _don't_ like each other! I know love is love, as Cupid Me told me, but…

Hmm. Well, the talk with Principal Victoria is sure going to be interesting.


	6. Chapter 6

Well, I guess I'm having a talk with the Asians after Kyle and I get a speech from the PC Principal who is most likely going to NOT think they're just rumors like they did with Tweek and Craig.

Kyle and I are seated across from PC Principle.

"Hey, guys." PC Principle says. "I know there have been a lot of rumors flyin' around and I just wanted to check in with you. Don't worry, you're not in trouble."

"Oh, thank God." Kyle says. He looks relieved. "I couldn't take getting in trouble today. I mean, after all the Asian crap going on in the school—"

"Yes, well, that's what we _do_ need to talk about. I know they're just rumors about you guys being gay and all, and even if you were gay, I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with it. Okay? Nothing wrong at all with being gay. Gay is okay."

"I know it's okay, PC Principle, but Cartman and I aren't gay."

"I might be bisexual."

"WHAT?!" Kyle says. "Cartman, stop being retarded. I just want to get out of here."

"I mean, I told you my grandpa was bi, right? And how I might be quarter bi...I know what it means, too. I'm not retarded like you tell me I am. I mean, you thought I was retarded because I saw a leprechaun, which I DID. And you thought…"

"Cartman, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Everything you just said is retarded. Just stop talking right now."

I cross my arms. "Okay, Jew."

"Anyway. Eric, what you're saying is completely irrelevant. We're talking about being gay. And I want to talk to you guys about consent, too, if you were gay."

"But we're not gay! So why do we even need to talk about this?!"

"Well, Kyle, I just think you should know something about consent."

"I know what consent means. I learn new things everyday."

"Okay, well, your friend Eric might not know wwhat it means. Okay? So what it means is that if there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration."

"Dude!" Kyle looks grossed out.

"Look." PC Principle says. "This is important if you ever want to touch Cartman's penis, Kyle. You need to say, for me to let you guys go, 'Cartman, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?' Alright. Let's try it out and then you boys are free to leave."

"Cartman, is it alright if I touch your penis?" Kyle drags out the words.

"Okay, good. Now Cartman, you might say 'You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that.' Or of course you could say 'No, you may not touch my penis at this time."

"No, you may not touch my penis at this time." I say.

"That's just 'cause he has a small penis."

"I do not, Kyle!"

"Okay. Anyway. You boys may go."

Now that that's over with, I have got to talk to The Asians to get them to stop. They're why all the rumors have started!

"Jesus Christ. What the hell is wrong with everybody? Why would I ever want to touch YOUR penis?" Kyle looks grossed out, again.

"What's wrong with being gay? Weren't you listening to him?"

"Oh yeah. Like you ever listen to the teachers, Cartman! That's why you never stop getting in trouble."

"Well, I didn't get in trouble this time, did I?"

"No. Uh...Whatever. I'm gonna go find Stan."

"Okay, gaywad."

Kyle's fists are balling up in anger.

"Just kidding, Kyle."

Then he walks away. I find the Asians.

"Excuse me. Why are you doing this?"

I hold up a picture of Kyle and I that looks pretty fuckin' gay and makes me feel sick to my stomach.

"Oh, hi, Eric." A girl says.

The rest of them are talking in different languages. I don't know what they're saying.

"What are they saying?"

"I don't know. I'm Japanese."

"Goddammit."

"I knew you would do that." The girl says.

"What?" I look confused. "Forget it. It doesn't mean anything."

Then I walk away from them and go to class.


End file.
